Feeling Jealous?

me too

Hi! I’m Kayla Stark, an illustrator working primarily in the children’s publishing world. You’re reading “Odd Thoughts”, my blog/newsletter where I talk mostly about illustration, process, publishing, and anything else that’s tangentially related in my life. Join in! Everyone’s welcome!

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Here is a journal¹ entry from earlier this month:

3/1 - feeling very jealous of others’ book dummies and interest from editors. I am happy for them, I really, truly am, but I also think “why not me too?”. Jealousy has taken residence and forced out motivation for the day.

It’s somewhat embarrassing to admit in front of people that I was (still sorta am) feeling jealous of others—even though jealousy is such a universal emotion. I don’t typically have it come up in my personal life, mostly just related to career and ambitions.

And…it’s been building lately.

I’ve been examining my thoughts and feelings around it.

What kinds of of things make me jealous?

Oh, you don’t just have briefcases full of money laying around?

Wealth -
“They earn (have) so much more money than me.”
“How do they have such a nice studio and go on so many trips?”

Don’t look at mine.

Skill -
“I’ll never be able to draw/paint like them?”
“Why can’t I think of compositions like that?”
“Why am I even trying?”

Opportunities -
“Why aren’t I getting offers too?”
“Why does it seem to come so easily for them?”
“Am I doing something wrong?”
“Will all of this work I’m doing ever pay off?”

I know “we are all on different paths and our opportunities come when they come”, but I’m honestly really tired of hearing that advice. It’s too passive for me. As someone who likes needs to control a situation, I can’t help but to feel pressure to work harder and force my way in front of people. It’s a “hey, look at me” and an “I’ll show you” mindset.

How can I handle it? Use it? Move forward?

I can go deeper into it—interact with the things/people/etc. that I’m feeling jealous toward and treat it as an immersion therapy of sorts. Sometimes this helps as I often realize everything is more complicated than it seems on the surface, but other times (when I’m feeling stressed or under pressure) it just makes things worse.

This is fun. I’m having fun.

I can pull back and retreat into myself—ignore and block out what’s bringing up the jealous feelings. I’ll only worry about myself, my ideas, my goals. This does somewhat quell the jealousy, but working in a vacuum quickly becomes unhelpful and lonely. I lose direction and motivation.

Where is everyone? What was I doing again?

Real time epiphany!
OMG just now when writing the above paragraph, I realized that a little jealousy can provide direction and motivation. THAT’S how I can best channel it.

As with everything in life, it’s a balancing act—a little of column A and a little of column B.

A few final thoughts

I’m writing this to think out loud in front of people—not to gripe…😂. I know there are others that feel this way right now and I’m telling you, “YOU ARE NOT ALONE!” We all have times when comparing ourselves, or our career, to others gets us down.

I decided that when I feel jealous of someone, I’ll do the opposite of what my brain wants me to do. I’ll amplify and share that person’s work. And I think, little by little, this does help! In other words, “you get what you give”.

If you see me share your post or comment on it, it might mean that I’m jealous of you.😉🙃

A student asked me recently, “What does it mean to be a successful illustrator?” Personally, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel successful, BUT (in a perfect world) I would like to:

1. Make a good amount of money from illustrating/writing

2. Only work on projects that are interesting to me

3. Win awards and be recognized for excellence in my field

And I don’t feel any shame in admitting that. 😊

I can’t end without referencing

Jacob Souva

‘s post on jealousy. Reading it gave me confidence to share my own thoughts on the matter.

It's a (Comparison) Trap!

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Other Noteworthy things

I call him “Shufflebug” because he’s fast.

I don’t know…does this look like a spider? haha

• I’m adding more Soccer Animals to the lineup. Here’s NSC’s² Jacob Shaffelburg as a cheetah (he’s fast!) and Joe Willis (our goalie) as a spider. I haven’t painted the spider yet, but I plan to keep adding to the NSC Soccer Animals sticker collection!

  

  from “The Rat Catcher”

• Testing for my Purposeful Practice Round 2 with film still studies. After this test run, I’ll know how to better explain the process for round 2. If you want to join in, I can already say it’s less suited for beginners—it’s more intermediate. I’ll explain details in the round 2 announcement post!

Look at how happy this train is!

• I’m prepping for Bologna—getting postcards printed, booking transit, planning meetups, etc. Speaking of transit, I’ll be taking almost every type. (plane, train, automobile, ferry) I’m getting excited (just need to hop on a bike)!

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Until next time! Love ya, bye!

1. and by “journal” I mean, I wrote it in an ongoing draft post I have saved in Substack

2. Nashville Soccer Club (MLS team)